A post script to the last 'ghosted' blog entry
I decided to post this reflection on my blog post, in contrast to the balance of my mentoring notes (which are written mainly by me for me to process insights on connections) as it seems it is also relevant to my general writing process (which is what this blog is ultimately about). As I have said in previous posts, writing helps me to work through feelings generally, with observations on what I see around me or experience personally, helping me to garner insights into human nature, which I believe improves my writing - particularly in relation to character development. It is easier to write a character if you witness certain traits first hand. Flawed characters.
The now former mentee (and so-called friend), Mr Never More (my nickname for him) was consistent to the bitter end. Previous posts provide a little of the journey on that connection and all its frustrations.
It's actually been a little over twelve months since I wrote my actual official mentoring notes (effectively covering the first twelve months of the mentoring connection), things unwound so badly in this second year with a level of predictability that I could have placed several winning bets on how things would turn out if I had been a gambler. It was partly a product of generational differences, cultural differences, and a general stubbornness on both our parts.
In a nutshell, because the mentee and I were so different, the mentoring arrangement unravelled. And, although he often had described us as “friends”, that was never going to work either because of the same mis-matched values and traits. With hindsight, I probably should have made the call to step away sooner, perhaps not ever started at all. I had my doubts at the start - I should have trusted my gut instincts.
He had already been winding down himself since mid-year following one critical incident in particular. The irony was, while our perceptions of the same event were completely different, we both wanted to walk away afterwards. My biggest insight from this mentoring experience was that I will not agree again to any career mentee ever asking me for creative mentoring. Never again. This was definitely a first time and last time experience for me.
In my final reference materials email sent to him in early October, I shared a view that I felt he was ghosting me after our last official mentoring catch up mid-year when he pulled the plug micro-seconds before I was about to suggest the same thing to him. Despite not expecting him to respond to my email, he did send a short response with his reasoning. (I expect, because he had understood my comments on ghosting being a cruel thing to do, he felt obliged to say something so as to not be seen as cruel. Heaven forbid that he might be perceived as anything other than a good guy.)
It came down to this… He had struggled with the extent of my curiosity – one question I had asked was considered by him to be ‘over the line’ and my commentary on his stick-insect appearance bothered him as well. Despite my repeated directness in asking him often if he had concerns about what I said and wrote, he said he treated a ‘power’ dynamic between us as something he needed to be careful about. He was always over-polite and guarded so he avoided being forthright about stating his concerns (mostly). This annoyed me beyond measure because I had thought ‘friends’ were honest and open with each other. We obviously had very different definitions of friendship.
The so-called ‘over the line’ question was about teenage crushes and was asked when we had met before going to the theatre one late summer afternoon. His immature reaction at the time alarmed me so much, I thought afterwards that he had clearly misunderstood my curiosity as something it was entirely NOT. It really freaked me out at the time. There have been some past connections over the years who had (also) not understood the fundamental difference between me being inquisitive and me being ‘interested’. I worried for weeks after that event that such a misunderstanding might be occurring again.
I was definitely NOT ‘interested’ - it would have been a deal breaker for me to ever mentor him in the first place if there was any risk of anything beyond platonic in anything we did.
After the theatre incident, I seriously thought it was time to walk away from the not quite mentoring and not quite genuine friendship, but against my better judgement, I did not. Instead, I became more guarded myself (feeling corralled and compartmentalised) which meant the handful of catch ups that occurred after that incident were in the ‘going through the motions’ category for me. I was there in person, but I was not there in spirit.
After sending me that short reasons email – he cut ties immediately and entirely in an asshole way. Unfriended me and blocked me on social media. It was a dick move and clearly demonstrated he had not “read the room” on me at all. It was also an unnecessary and cruel ‘over-reaction’ on his part.
What he didn’t know was that I had already long stopped attending any music events over the last half year (post the above-mentioned incident) where I thought there might be any risk I would run into him. I simply did not want to encounter him again in any social context. Effectively extracting myself in a way that was not overtly brutal. I thought subtle was gentler and kinder. (Sure, I had continued to offer music/theatre suggestions to him over this period, but I did so with confidence that he would always make excuses and never be available to attend. I was 100 percent right on that prediction.)
I kept one more promise that I made to him in the first few months of the mentoring catch ups – to let him know eventually what my nickname was for him. I did so by sending him in one final email my mentoring notes (except for this note written post severing). Probably a promise I did not need to keep, but I chalked it down to a “never piss off a writer” motivation moment – words are a weapon, and the nature of my difficult mentoring journey with him was written in bright lights - one disappointment after another with the now defunct connection.
In a few years’ time, I might check publicly available media to see how his music career is tracking. But then again, probably not, as he is being and will be forgotten.
Live and learn.